As I countdown the days before my adventure of a lifetime (well, thus far, in my 30 years of existence, at least) comes to an end date calendarily (because I will forever cherish this chapter of my life for years beyond its terminal date of late March, 2015, so in that trippy “Cloud Atlas” sense, there is no true end), I find myself preparing for a transition between old and new.
Living, loving, struggling, growing, teaching, surviving, soaring, and falling flat on my face in Manila for the past two years has definitely changed me.
On a very deep level.
To my core.
Or, perhaps, it hasn’t changed me, necessarily, but just unearthed what was always within me but I kept hidden and dimmed for so long because, let’s face it, it’s scary to be authentically you.
It is petrifying to be 100% completely honest with ourselves and create, live, and lead the life we truly want for a multitude of reasons: Fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of intimacy, fear of whatever. Or, just plain laziness. I know I get hella lazy, at times, so yeah, bro. That happens.
Fear. Fear. Fear. with a hearty side of Complacency.
Well, fuck fear and complacency.
Fear is natural, but I’m ready to transcend it (and myself).
This experience has definitely been my “Wonderland”.
And, for that, I am thankful. So eternally thankful.
It’s like I’m in-between the B.C. and A.D. chapters of my life. (Don’t get it twisted, I’m not saying I’m Jesus, but in a sense, aren’t we all our own universe, and in that respect, aren’t we our own Savior and Creator and, also, Destruction?) There’s a definite shift happening in my life and, for once, I’m allowing myself to embrace this uncertainty and vast openness with a smile and amusement rather than worry and dread. I’m taking the reigns of the story of my life, giving myself permission to follow my bliss unapologetically, and leading the charge the fuck away from stagnancy and comfort to that of growth and expansion.
Folks who get it, cool. Folks who don’t, that’s cool, too.
As I learn to listen to myself more, trust myself more, love myself more, I find that the world is just opening itself up to me and revealing more and more wonders and opportunities my way.
With each passing day, I realize more and more all the bullshit about not being enough in so many categories from my looks to my personality to my skills to my self-limiting and self-defeating notions of identity I believed that did nothing but stunt my growth, dim my shine, and subtly (and outright) taught me to hate myself on some level.
Essentially, killed my vibe, beeeeeeeeeeeyotch.
Well, no more of that nonsense and poppycock. I swear, turning 30 (and having Saturn leave or whatever) or just choosing to live a cat life and give less fucks, makes me feel empowered to go after what I want, do what I want, and cut out people I don’t want in my life.
It’s like I’m living a Cartman-type life aka “whateva, whateva, I do what I want”. Only difference is I’m not an elementary school boy cartoon sociopath. Or…am I…?
I’m not only writing my life story, I’m also editing it to fit what I want.
I don’t know why, but it took me 30 years to realize I can like what I like, but more importantly, the converse, I’m allowed to NOT like things, as well. And I don’t have to apologize for not liking certain things, or people, or treatment.
In the big picture, folks don’t die wishing they played it safer, do they? People yearn, lust, ache to feel alive. To feel and experience so deeply, so passionately, so fully that their life is nothing short of amazing.
Well, I’m awake now and, as I plan (“plan”?), my next career path, I’m not scared or feeling obligated to anything for the sake of being “polite” or “because it makes sense”, necessarily.
Happy to finally be more conscious and aware of me and what I want and simple, following my bliss.
After all, we’re never led astray if we truly heed what our spirit tells us.
Bon voyage, amiguitos. I’m off!